Hard to focus on the "big picture"

I had my third pre-operative chemo treatment this past Monday and the main side effect has been fatigue. I walk the dog a couple of blocks and feel like I have just hiked five miles. I am not used to being so physically drained, and I can't say that I am handling it with good grace.

Truth be told, I'm discouraged and am finding it hard to focus on the long-range goal of killing off the cancer cells before surgery. Objectively, I know that this whole process is pretty much going to take a year. Emotionally, I don't feel much like being a good sport about it.

My lack of focus is also a problem when it comes to accomplishing anything substantive. I have some big projects on my "to-do" list, such as purging and organizing 60 years worth of photos and compiling decades worth of personal essays into a comprehensive whole—but I realize that I simply do not have the energy to tackle those projects.

I did organize my socks.

Thinking about how to improve my focus, I realize that I should not have left my meditation practice slide. When I was meditating regularly, I was much more productive and focused. So, I've decided to make mediation a priority again. Everyone tells me it's a good tool to use in the treatment of cancer, too; so there is plenty of incentive to get my act together.

Hard to swallow

This week, the chemotherapy side effect to plague me is sore spots in my mouth and throat. Chewing and swallowing regular food has been too difficult, so I have switched to liquid and pureed food.

Thank goodness for my Vitamix blender! That thing can liquefy just about anything, and lets me have all the full benefit of nutrients and fiber. This morning, I combined grape juice, banana, kale, carrot, pumpkin butter, and ice. It was a delicious smoothie, and the cold felt good going down.

I've also discovered that ice cream and Starbucks Frappuccinos go down nicely... if not nutritiously.

The condition seems to be improving, but I have my third chemo treatment in a few days, so who knows?

Looking at the list of possible side effects I was given, I see that there are still more lurking in the shadows.

Hair today...gone tomorrow

I knew I was going to lose my hair because of the chemotherapy. I intended to get a very, very short haircut to minimize the effect, but I delayed too long and now I am dealing with the experience of losing 3-inch long hairs everywhere.

Not to put too fine a point on it, I am shedding like a malemute in June; and it's pretty darn annoying.

I'll be working on my laptop, only to look down and see my keyboard littered with random shafts. I take off a sweater and then have to spend several minutes working on it with a clothes brush.

And nobody told me this was going to hurt! My scalp feels like it's badly sunburned. This makes it very challenging to lay my head on a pillow, which of course makes it very hard to sleep.

Checking on the Internet—the source of all wisdom—I find that scalp pain is a fairly common experience for chemo patients. The good news seems to be that the pain will eventually stop, when the hair has left for good.

In the meantime, I need to haul out the vacuum cleaner.

Round Two

First of all, thanks for all the support and encouragement I have received. A big thanks to the Women of Reform Judaism, who included me in their prayer for healing at our regional convention. It does help to know that I have all of you rooting for me!

Following my visit to the ER last weekend, and getting some antibiotics, my temperature returned to normal. A blood test yesterday confirmed that my white blood cells have regenerated into the normal range. Just in case they drop again and I have another bout of neutropenic fever, my doctor called in a prescription for the same antibiotic, to have on hand. 

I had my second chemotherapy treatment yesterday. The treatment room was completely full of patients this time, and we range in age from young adults to folks my age and older. This really brings home how pervasive cancer is. There is a level of camaraderie among the patients, and almost everyone has a "chemo buddy" or two. David was mine, and he brought along his laptop and got some work done when he wasn't fetching juice or snacks for me. Everything went smoothly.  I once again have a little device attached to my body that will deliver a dose of Neulasta this afternoon, to encourage white blood cell generation.

I got lots of sleep, and feel OK today. This time around, I made sure I started the anti-nausea pills earlier, and have not had any stomach upset. So far so good.

I had been warned that I would lose my hair, so it's no surprise that I have started shedding, giving our dog some competition.

I made a point of looking at the various types of headgear the women in the treatment room were wearing, and there are certainly a lot of options.

I went online to look up "chemo scarves," and I must say, the choices are overwhelming...another indication of just how many women have cancer. Of course, you know how much I love hats, so it was a bit hard to limit myself to ordering just a couple of pre-tied head wraps. I already have a wig, thanks to the Cancer Society, but I doubt that I will want to wear it most of the time. Some of the hats I already own will work, too.

I have experienced some other side effects of the chemo, and I have quite an array of medications at hand. As I mentioned to the doctor, it's ironic that every one of them is to deal with a side effect of the cancer treatment, not the cancer itself.