Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I see that October is “Breast Cancer Awareness Month.”

Here are some things I have become aware of:

Cancer invaded not only my body but every other area of my life – my relationships, my finances, my work—both paid and volunteer—my mental health, where I could go, and what I could do.

Maintaining a positive attitude just wasn’t a sustainable coping mechanism. There was simply no way to feel positive about what was happening to me. Often, the best I could do was “Just let me get through this biopsy/MRI/blood test/chemo/surgery/radiation/fever/nausea/hair loss/pain without screaming.”

Cancer is an illness, not a military campaign, yet the language of cancer treament continues to be fraught with words like “battle” and “fight.” Cancer treatment, however, meant passively enduring invasive, painful, and frightening procedures with uncertain outcomes. There was very little “fighting” involved.  If any military analogy fit, it was more like being a prisoner of war. (And I especially hate it when I read in an obituary that someone “lost her battle with cancer.” It implies that somehow her death was her own fault—that she did not try hard enough to “win.”)

Cancer doesn’t end when treatment does. I expected that when I was done with that last day of treatment, I would want to celebrate. Instead, I found myself feeling depressed and angry. After a year of constant “just let me get through this,” I am not restored to health. I am left with surgical scars, radiation burns, a lopsided chest, lymphedma, neuropathy, nerve pain, hot flashes, and low energy. In addition, I have a sword of Damocles hanging over my head. The cancer could come back, and every six months I will be seeing my oncologist to see if it has. And every day I will be taking estrogen-supressing medication.

I have a whole new reality now and adjusting to it is going to take a while. Dealing  with aging was hard enough, but this is a real game-changer. Life is uncertain, and cancer has certainly heightened my awareness of that uncertainty.